Each one of us has had to deal with a narcissist at some point or another: Whether it was an ex, a boss, or a family member. Dealing with a narcissist can be extremely difficult and exhausting as all hell! The recurring question that I get asked is “How do I deal with someone that has to win at all costs?”
Narcissists have this amazing ability to make you feel like you are the crazy one, like you are wrong for thinking the way you think, and for feeling the way you feel. It’s as if they have this super power; a gift that plants doubt inside you that makes you second guess your choices. How do they do it?!
Let me first paint a picture of who you are dealing with here…
Narcissists are ego driven; meaning everything they do is to feed their ego. If you have encountered someone that has the need to win, that has to be right at all costs, that needs to be superior, that has their worth tied to their achievements, that needs to control others in order to support the outcome they desire, and the need to be seen as “the good guy/girl”…you may be dealing with a narcissist.
Here are my tips on how to handle a narcissist:
1. Don’t fight back! You already know that you will never win, and you will never get them to empathize with your point of view. So why do you keep fighting it? If they say the sky is red, then let it be red. Narcissists thrive on anyone that supplies them with the drugs they need, and that drug is being right. You will keep spinning in the hamster wheel of getting nowhere with someone that will never say to you, “You know what Amy, you are right, I didn’t see things your way.” And continuing to fight will only mirror more of what you don’t want, which is a narcissist in your face.
2. Let go of any expectations. What do I mean by this? I realize some of you have no choice but to deal with a narcissist, so going radio silent on them may not be a viable option. If you are forced to deal with this person, then having expectations will be the death of your sanity. Expectations that they will do the right thing, that they care about your best interest (or the interest of anyone other than themselves for that matter), that they are able to carry a conversation that doesn’t have their interest at the top of their mind. IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
3. Remember who you are and what you value. It’s easy to get sucked into a vicious cycle of crazy when you are dealing with a narcissist. You feel like you are constantly having to defend yourself and prove yourself to everyone. You may be constantly defending who you are as a mother, as a partner, and a daughter.
Why are you defending yourself? Because a part of you may be feeling that they are right, or that you need to prove your self-worth. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. You are worthy just as you are, and anyone that doesn’t see it, well they don’t belong in your life.
You need to remember what it is you value. Do you value peace and harmony? Do you value love and acceptance? Do you value REAL connection? If so, then put the gloves down, and understand that nobody can take your self-worth away.
If what you fight against you get more of, then getting in the rink with a narcissist will only get you more blows to the face. Narcissists need people to inflate their ego, so if you cut the supply they will find another victim to feed on. Take the path of least resistance, and surround yourself with people that love and support you, with people that know your worth.