Are you stuck in divorce purgatory? It’s that place where your marriage has died, but you’re not really sure what’s next for you. The end of a marriage is something that I don’t wish upon anyone, especially when there are children involved, but it is sometimes the necessary option.
The unravelling of a family unit brings on so many emotions, and after a divorce, you are left with the question, “What now?” The body is still warm and the mourning process has just begun. Things may be good for a bit because you are trying to minimize the damage, but when the body turns cold this is the time emotions start running hot.
It’s hard for the ego to not get involved when going through the aftermath of a divorce. It’s as if you never knew your partner at all, and they act like they didn’t just share a life with you for so many years. All of a sudden you may not be a reliable and trustworthy parent any longer. Both parties start feeling like they need to “protect” themselves from the enemy.
This is especially true for anyone dealing with a narcissistic ex. You can read my previous post about how to handle a narcissistic here https://marisalupocoaching.com/howtohandleanarcissist/ Or, like me you may be in and out of court, having to deal with court counsellors and judges tell you how to handle your own kids, using them as tools to win your battles. In these situations, things can get a little sticky, and finding your FLOW is the only way to give you back the peace you deserve.
F is for FORGIVE
I know this is hard as hell when all you want to do is make the other person suffer as much as you are suffering. “How do I forgive someone that made my life a living nightmare?” Forgiveness is never about the other person; it’s about setting your soul free and allowing yourself space for love to fill you up, and not anger or spite.
It is very easy to get yourself into a victim mentality; the place where the other person did this to you, but the fact of the matter is you have choices, and it’s time to start making better ones. Being a victim will only render you powerless. I’m not asking that you don’t do what you need to do if you are in a volatile divorce that requires you to take the necessary action to defend yourself, but I am asking that you forgive someone that is unconscious. Forgiveness allows you to elevate yourself to a place where only love remains, and nothing else matters.
L is for LET GO
Let go of expectations. Expectations always lead to suffering! We all have expectations after divorce. Expectations that the other person will do “The right thing,” that the other person will have the best of intentions. NO, THEY WON’T! I don’t care if you were in a 20-year marriage, after a divorce you are on your own. Detach from the outcome and there will be no suffering. Nobody owes you anything. It’s up to you to create the life you want. Clearly, the life you had wasn’t working out, so go out and get yours.
Don’t wait around for someone to pick up the pieces. Pick them up, and move on to the life you are destined for! This is the place you reclaim your voice and your power… remember those things you lost in your marriage? Letting go is so freeing to your soul. You will eventually see that you do not need to control and that letting go of the need to pull the strings is liberating.
O is for OBSERVE
Observe your thoughts. Your thoughts can easily take you down the rabbit hole after a divorce, or grow you to a level that you have never seen before. The choice is yours! If you stay stuck in the past on how things should have been, or how you should have handled things differently, you will never be able to get to a place of pure joy, and all you have accomplished is you shoudling all over yourself.
On the other hand, if you can take the lessons (which are abundant after a divorce) and learn to manage your thoughts and get the help you may need, you will be able to find the freedom that you surely deserve. Consciousness is key; be conscious of the stories that you create and the labels that you give to this experience. The lessons are neither good nor bad… they just are.
Divorce is just simply that…divorce. Get rid of the labels and judgements that you attach to that word, and create new meaning to it. You are no longer married- The End. Stop telling yourself that divorce is bad, and that you are damaged goods, and that nobody is going to want you. Trust me, life will move on and you will get through this even stronger on the other side.
W is for WORK
Do the work! Don’t just jump into another relationship and expect the other person to “complete you.” You aren’t Jerry Maguire. YOU are the only person that is responsible for YOUR own happiness. Don’t insert another person into this equation and then dump expectations on their lap.
Remember what I said about expectations? Yes, they lead to suffering, and that will lead you down a path of another failed relationship. Get the help you need and start looking at how you got here. Start owning your part.
Divorce is never one-sided. I don’t care what the situation was. Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. So many clients say they don’t understand how they got here, but when they take a deeper look they can see all the red flags and warning signs they turned their head to. Doing the work requires getting raw and vulnerable, and being honest with yourself. It’s time to get to the core of the problem, and you may not see it when it’s so close to your face.
I know how hard the road to recovery is. I, too, had to learn the process of letting go after my divorce. It’s not an easy task, but I was willing to own my part and do the work. This has led me to living a life I love. I wouldn’t have it any other way. A life with no regrets, where suffering is no longer a companion of mine, and where freedom is possible. I can help you, too! Contact me for a complimentary session so that I can help lead you to a place where your life, too, can FLOW.