Do You Want to Win or Do You Want to Be Happy?

Divorce amplifies the shadow side of ourselves.  Those insidious unhealed wounds of not feeling like you are good enough, feelings of comparison and lack, and not feeling loved unconditionally. 

Divorce is predicated on keeping us stuck in the darkness.  Just look up divorce help on google and see what pops up if you don’t believe me.  Endless names of family law attorneys are what you will more than likely find— “What you need to know about divorce. Get financial help.  Prevent unforeseen problems.”   

What it should say is— “Heal your childhood baggage; otherwise, you will look to outside sources for happiness.  Shame and guilt are useless emotions—so, get help with releasing what isn’t serving your highest good.  Put down the need to live life for everyone else and rediscover who you are. Focusing on the fight will only get you more of the fight.” 

Why don’t you see these statements when looking up divorce help? Because pain, blame, and shame make for better marketing.  They are trigger points that get your attention.  What they do is keep you in the fight.  Staying in the fight equals more money in a lawyer’s pocket, and it keeps the courts thriving.  

Ask the many people who are still fighting divorce cases how much money they have spent so far.  I am guessing thousands. I can verify this from my own experience.  

We believe that we need to defend and protect what is “mine,” that we should no longer trust this person we once shared a life with, and that we must win at all costs.  

Separation is at the root of the problem.  Divorce breaks connection, and we no longer see our ex-partner in their humanness.  We see them as the source of our pain, and we want them to feel what we are feeling.  We want to punish and make them pay.

It’s easier to cast blame because we are afraid to look at what is inside ourselves. We may not like what we have to see.  So we convince ourselves that “I am feeling this way because of you, you did this to me.” When in reality no one can make you feel a certain way

I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to WIN in every sense of the word post-divorce.  Divorce is designed for winners and losers. It took me a few punches before I realized that those unhealed shadow parts of myself were in the driver’s seat, and what kept the engine running was my unconsciousness. 

I spent a handful of moments on the courthouse benches.  There is something about the energy inside that building that shrivels a person’s spirit. As an empath, I felt like I was swallowing the heaviness that everyone inside that building was carrying.   It was like being at a funeral.  Mourning the death of what once was but also afraid of what’s next. “What else can possibly be taken away from me?”

The conversations on those benches that were running inside my head were, “How did I get here? How did we become these people who have invited a disconnected system into our lives and our children’s lives? Do we really need these people who have no idea who we are or don’t give a shit about our kids telling us how to be parents? Why do we need to dehumanize people and tear them down in order to ‘win’ the fight?”

We had the best intentions to “do the right thing” for our children.  But intentions aren’t enough when egos are bruised, and you’re living in fear, comparison, and lack.  You can bet you will do whatever it takes to keep what’s left of your pride intact.  

It’s easy to get lost in the need to defend yourself and prove yourself.  Divorce makes people feel like failures.  We give meaning to the dissolution of a marriage, and most of the time, that meaning is that we are damaged in some way, unworthy, and unlovable.  

What if we chose happiness instead? 

What if we put the weapon down, instead of feeding the need to win, and we decide to focus on our happiness and the happiness of our children?  What if we choose to root for our ex-partner’s healing instead because we realize that our children would benefit from their parents being whole?  What if we put down the need to blame, and we took our power back and stood in our truth? What if we focused on what is in the best interest of the children instead of what is in the best interest of ourselves? What if we stopped expecting other people to fill our needs, and we learned how to take care of our own needs? What if we stop wasting time on things that take our power away and put that energy on living our purpose? What if we stopped taking everything so personally, and instead we realized that other people are wounded children just like ourselves? 

How would living this way change your life? One by one and bit by bit, I had to be willing to Untie the Knots of Divorce so that I could start living my truth.  Surrendering the fight was the only path to living a life of happiness.  

You might be in the fight right now, blinded by fear, and believing you can’t let go of control because you aren’t willing to “lose” any more than you already have.  But I want you to think about what you will gain from letting go. It’s a far better place to stand in love than to let fear lead the way.


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