Your lawyer may have helped you finalize your divorce, but they are not going to help you energetically detach from your ex. Divorce papers won’t guarantee taking your power back. I learned this the hard way.
I know a lot about the fight. About wanting to win because I was in no way going to be controlled by anyone or anything. I had to strong-arm my way out of my 19-year relationship, and because I wasn’t supported, I felt like I was in constant survival mode. This energy didn’t leave much room for healing.
I remember a time, years after my divorce was finalized, when my ex would send me an email or a text, and I would go into a full-blown rage. It was not an abnormal occurrence until this one particular day when it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was still energetically married to him. It was two years after our divorce was finalized, and I thought to myself, “Marisa, this is not ok. Look at what this is doing to you physically. He still owns you. When are you going to learn?!”
That’s when I knew that I had to make a choice if I wanted to heal from my divorce. Either I was going to let my ego and pride win and continue to fuel the fight (which at that point felt like spinning in a hamster wheel), or I was going to do the work to heal the wounds that were lingering beneath the surface so that I can start living a life of purpose.
I chose PURPOSE.
My divorce and all the pain that came with it are not the purpose of why I am here, and it certainly isn’t yours either. Every day it’s a choice I remind myself of because I am human, and I get triggered just like everyone else.
As humans, we have to be very mindful of where we focus our energy. You may have heard the saying, ‘where focus goes, energy flows.’ If your focus is on fighting and defending, you will just be adding fuel to the fire. You’ll be attracting more ways to stay in the fight.
If you say to yourself, “My ex is a narcissist, control freak, and is making my life a living hell,” this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your brain will start to search for evidence to back up what it believes to be true, which is the definition of Cognitive Bias.
You see, our brains are not designed to make us happy, they are designed to keep us alive, and up till now, it has done a great job of keeping you alive. But are you fulfilled? Are you living with purpose? Or has the fight taken all the energy you’ve got?
Now I am in no way trying to discount your pain story. I get it, ex’s can be and do shitty things sometimes, and when those things happen, it’s painful and frustrating and can be very damaging to our children.
But your only power lies in what your thoughts are around it. Are you going to let this fight take over the rest of your life, or are you going to reclaim your power by choosing not to be a victim of the situation?
When you decide to put the fight down, nothing anyone does or says will get in the way of your purpose.
Now that’s power!
Your divorce is not the purpose of why you are here, it is only an experience you had, and it’s up to you what meaning you give it.
The dictionary defines purpose as the reason for which something is created or for which something exists. Your purpose for being here is to remember who you are and lean closer to that every day.
When my marriage ended, I had no idea who I was. I was so far outside of myself, living a life that wasn’t mine, and it took me quite some time to find my way back home to my truth. You might not know who you are right now, or you might be so distracted by the fight that you haven’t made any room to find your way home.
But I am here to remind you that before you became a wife or a mother, you were a woman, and she matters to herself and everyone around her.
My hope is that today you will take the first step towards living a life of purpose, and that first step is the decision to put down the fight. Once you decide that nothing will get in the way of your purpose, the rest of the journey becomes a spiritual one back towards your truth.
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